Book Review: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

In Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs uses Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you [husband] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33 NIV)" and dissected it to show that the love a wife longs for and the respect a husband yearns for mutually compliments each other in order to build a solid foundation of a marriage.

In Chapter One, the author shared on how, as a pastor, out of his need to counsel couples, that in 1998, God gave him the insight to see the inter-connectivity between love and respect. In that chapter too, the author is honest enough to share with the readers of his own difficult times he had with his wife, Sarah. The author made no attempt to hide his own weaknesses or appears as one whose marriage is perfect, without struggles. As the author said, the problem with life is that it is so daily, so routine that we may take our spouses for granted.

The first seven chapters form the first part and this basically deals with some of the common problems husbands and wives face. While it is good that the author shared many real life examples, nevertheless, I find that there are just too many testimonies and stories. And this has made the reading of this part very tedious and lengthy. Probably the author could have saved some of these testimonies to be included in an online supplementary section or in a blog or in the Love and Respect website (http://www.loveandrespect.com/), etc. Having too many testimonies tend to result in a loss of focus of the gist of the message.

Part 2 (chapters 8 - 22) is about the energizing cycle, where the author spelled out the six aspects of the love that a husband needs to show to his wife, and the six aspects of the respect that the wife ought to give to her husband.

The love that a husband should show to his wife can be defined by the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E:
C - Closeness
O - Openness
U - Understanding
P - Peacemaking
L - Loyalty
E - Esteem

The respect that a wife should give to her husband can be defined by the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S
C - Conquest (appreciate the husband's desire to work and achieve)
H - Hierarchy (appreciate the husband's desire to protect)
A - Authority (appreciate the husband's desire to serve and to lead)
I - Insight (appreciate the husband's desire to analyze and counsel)
R - Relationship (appreciate the husband's desire for shoulder-to-shoulder relationship)
S - Sexuality (appreciate the husband's desire for sexual intimacy)

The author elaborated each aspect of "C-O-U-P-L-E" and "C-H-A-I-R-S" in a chapter each.

A side note: on page 156, the author said that God intended for some conflict to exist in a marriage. When my wife and I sat down together to discuss on this, we find it hard to agree with the author on this statement. While God can turn a conflict into a victory, conflict exists, rather, as a result of the Fall back in Genesis.

I have always been cautious of books that offer "a number of" steps to success, "a number of" steps to overcome bad habits, etc. We must not be over-simplistic. Some of the problems that exist in a marriage could have deeper roots than what they appears to be. It could be due to past sins, past painful memories, past bad experiences in a previous marriage, previous traumatic experiences like being raped, etc. For such cases, simply applying these steps may not work; rather in such cases, forgiveness, emotional healing, counseling, etc is needed.

Nonetheless, I still do find this book to be pretty useful. To me personally, the greatest value of this book lies in the concrete and specific suggestions and steps found at the back of each of the chapters in Part 2. I find these suggestions to be very helpful, and can be easily turn into a-resolution-a-day kind of exercise. In other words, this book is actually more of a "to-do" book rather than a "to-read" book. As such, this book, should be more concise, direct to the point, focused, trimmed down, and should include more interactive features and questions for the readers to think and to reflect as they go along.

Feeling Inadequate?

Jeremiah’s Call and First Visions (Jeremiah 1:4-10 NLT)

4 The Lord gave me this message:

5 “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.

Before you were born I set you apart

and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

6 “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”

7 The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. 8 And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” 9 Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,

“Look, I have put my words in your mouth!

10 Today I appoint you to stand up

against nations and kingdoms.

Some you must uproot and tear down,

destroy and overthrow.

Others you must build up

and plant.”

This passage in Jeremiah 1 on Jeremiah’s call also reminds me of my own situation.

Being called to preach in church as a lay leader at age 35 years old, sometimes I must say I really feel inadequate. Although it is a small church, I still do feel the inadequacy, but yet, if we were to wait for the “right” time, the moment may never arrive. Our feelings of inadequacy may cripple us. When will we ever be ready, if we were to wait for the right recipe, the right formula, as judged according to our own timing?

If God says can, who am I to say can’t? That’s why knowing that I am known is important. Knowing who I belong to, gives me a sense of confidence to move forward.

Observing the Sabbath: Am I Deceiving Myself?

25 Jesus said to them, “Haven’t you ever read in the Scriptures what David did when he and his companions were hungry? 26 He went into the house of God (during the days when Abiathar was high priest) and broke the law by eating the sacred loaves of bread that only the priests are allowed to eat. He also gave some to his companions.”

27 Then Jesus said to them, “The Sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the requirements of the Sabbath. 28 So the Son of Man is Lord, even over the Sabbath!”
(Mark 2:23-27 NLT)

In this age where we are constantly being bombarded with overloading amount of information, all the more we need to take a day off to be still with the Lord. To wait for Him. To linger in His presence. To be renewed. To be restored.

For me, personally at least, I know, I needed to observe the Sabbath. I know sometimes I am deceiving myself, thinking as if I am observing the Sabbath by staying away from my workplace physically, but my mind is still occupied with the workload, and even bringing back stacks of paperwork to do.

How should I live in this evil world?

11 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. 12 And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, 13 while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. 14 He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds. (Titus 2:11-14, NLT)

Sometimes when I look at the evil, injustice, corruption, inequality of treatment, dirty political tactics, both in my country and around the world, I get very dejected, discouraged, and disappointed. Is there any reason for living in my country? Yet, these verses show us that:

“11 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. 12 And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, 13 while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed…”

We are INSTRUCTED, we are commanded, we are exhorted to live a life of
- wisdom
- righteous
- devoted to God.

Why? Because of the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

Unless we know who we really are, our identity, and our position, we can be easily swayed away.

Finishing what You Have Started

11 Now you should finish what you started. Let the eagerness you showed in the beginning be matched now by your giving. Give in proportion to what you have. 12 Whatever you give is acceptable if you give it eagerly. And give according to what you have, not what you don’t have. (2 Cor 8:11-12, NLT)

I am drawn to the word “finish”, or in some translation “to complete”. It is often easy to start something, to promise something, but to complete, needs perseverance.

Everyone can start a new project, a new blog, a new decision, a new resolution, but how many can follow through til completion.

Along the road, there may be many obstacles, many challenges, many things that distract us from the important things of our lives.

I need to remind myself of important things to me:
1. God - is my relationship with Him affected?
2. Family - is my relationship with my family members taken its tolls due to my busyness in the workplace, being too ambitious, being wanting to do too many things that distract me from my real focus.
3. Then only it comes to my work.

And that’s when we need to depend on the Lord, rather than on ourselves. We need to go to Him daily. I find it impossible to live the Christian life on my own strength.

In verse 12, “give according to what you have…”, in other words, if we have not first received from Him, how can we give? The giving of course, could means more than just financial giving. It could also means giving of our time, our talent, our attention. Have I first received from Him?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

(These are some of my thoughts I have made as comments to Chapter 3 of John Maxwell's forthcoming book)

John Maxwell says: "Many times each year I am engaged as a speaker..... often I request a call with someone in the organization prior...to learn the expectations of my host... My goal is never to simply deliver a speech. I want to add value to people...I always spend time tailoring what I’m going to say to fit what they need."


From personal experience, oftentimes, what determine whether I will successfully connect with my students or not is not really the contents of the lecture (though that is important); but rather, whether I am REAL or not.

I personally experienced and believe that people can see through you, beyond your talk, beyond your slides, beyond your outward appearance. They can see whether you are really genuinely care for them and concern for their performance and grades, or whether you are just up there to showcase how much you know.

At times, really, action speaks louder than words. Respect has got to be earned. When you earn their respect, you win the right to hold their ears for your talk.

In that book, John Maxwell quoted television executive, communication consultant and author Roger Ailes for the seven-second rule to make the first impression:

"You’ve got just seven seconds to make the right first impression. As soon as you make your entrance, you broadcast verbal and nonverbal signals that determine how others see you. In business, those crucial first seven seconds can decide whether you will win that new account, or succeed in a tense negotiation." I personally think we have got more than 7 seconds but no more than, probably, first 5 – 10 minutes to make that first impression. Within the first five to 10 minutes, they will decide whether you are worth their attention or not. You can force their presence in the room or hall, but you can’t force their attention and mind to your talk.

“People will not always remember what you said. They will not always remember what you did. But, they will always remember how you made them feel.” - Mike Harrison

I walked a mile with Pleasure

My comments:
Although I like this quote, I do not believe that all pleasures are bad. Some pleasures are legitimate. James 1:17-18 says: "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." It is the lustful, illegitimate pleasure that we should be careful of.

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!

- Robert Browning Hamilton